Even nut-eating, and boobs

"Why do you always pick out the cashews and leave the other nuts; it's infuriating!"

I looked up at my girlfriend doing my best to affect a look of angelic innocence tinged with total confusion, my typical defense mechanism.

There she stood in a rather filmy-tiny-see-through-nighty-thing which left little to the imagination with hands on hips - which accentuated her boobs - and I felt a stirring in my loins...but I had to keep that beast well-contained lest I get in more trouble than I was in.

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"I don't." I felt it best to keep my lying to a minimum and focus more on my innocent facial expression.

"Then why are there no cashews left and only the walnuts, almonds and macadamias?" As she said macadamias she shifted position and titled her head to one side slightly in question and her breasts wobbled pleasingly with the movement - Now I was having trouble concentrating on what she was saying - lying would be more difficult without laser-concentration.

"I'm telling you, it wasn't me. Do we have mice?" I don't know why I said fucken mice - I should have said squirrels.

She looked at me and I looked at her...well, her at boobs to be honest...in some sort of Mexican-standoff just like Julio and Enrique Iglesias would when arguing about who's the best singer - (I think they're Mexican, and if not, who cares!). I looked, she looked, I looked back and she looked back at me looking back at her looking at me and...well, I felt a sinking feeling creeping in; she had the, not giving in facial expression - that didn't bode well for me.

"Ok, I ate those fucken cashews." A quick capitulation was out of character for me but I thought an early confession might help me gain a lenient sentence.

"Can you STOP picking them out and eat the nuts evenly?" It was something she'd said before at which time I'd told her that I could not; would she ever learn?

"It's doubtful to be honest, cashews are the better nut; everyone on the planet knows that, even squirrels and mice so yeah...there's that."

As if that argument wasn't enough I added, "do you even know how difficult it is sifting through the other nut-detritus to single out the cashews? I mean, when there's almost none left it can be incredibly difficult you know; the determination, dexterity and motor skills required are immense." I pushed my luck a little more, "you should be happy I have such dedication to what I set out to achieve."

I thought that last was quite clever.

I know, it was an extremely dangerous path to tread but...I noticed a slight lip-quiver, the early stages of a smile? I tried to focus on that smile, to will it into expanding into a grin my witty sense of humour had created...I still glanced at her boobs though. I wasn't sure it was working and then...Ah ha, I'd broken through!

I'd only noticed the smile because I'd taken my eyes momentarily off her boobs, but fortunately so in this case; I might get away with this cashew nut transgression after all!

"Can you please eat the nuts evenly. Please?" She said that less-sternly confirming that her resolve was weakening; chalk another win on the board, my wittiness does it again!

Even nut-eating...It sounded fucken bonkers. I thought I'd push my advantage though.

"Look, I'll agree to even nut-eating on the proviso you come hither with that little nightie and those lovely boobs and we shake on it, then canoodle a bit." How could she resist such a romantic gesture? I know, it's an impossibility.

That did the trick though; she smiled and shook her head. I know the head-shaking was because she was totally exasperated with my cashew nut eating habits but I chose to pretend it was to shake her hair loose from the hair scrunchy holding it back like in one of those slow-motion movie scenes.

I grinned and she smiled more at me...she came over to the lounge and...

Much later as we caught our breath she reiterated about the even nut-eating proposal and made me make a promise not apply a even nut-eating technique to the nut container...as if I was ever going to promise that and mean it!

"I promise to deploy even nut-eating from this day forth until the day I die."

I even managed to sound convincing...but I had my fingers crossed the whole time and everyone knows that means the promise doesn't count.